God's own personal beverage.
A lot of people assume that New York City water is bad--
unsanitary, even--
because the city itself appears so unclean.
New York water is-- depends upon where you live.
If you're in Queens it could be a little questionable.
What do I think of New York water?
- The drinking water? - Uh, polluted, for the most part.
- I think it's dirty. It's brown. - It's brown.
- It stinks. - It's nasty.
- It's polluted. - In point of fact,
graffiti on the subways does not affect the water table,
because we have been singularly blessed with a water supply...
that comes, literally, from cold, crystal-clear streams...
high in the beautiful Catskill Mountains, hundreds of miles away
Uh, it comes from, uh--
Somewhere near upstate.
I believe there are three or four reservoirs. One is called Groton.
- ...from the Croton Reservoir. - Croton watershed.
Actually, I think it's two reservoirs, possibly three.
- The river. - Hell.
Few cities in this country in the entire world,
can lay claim to drinking water so pure,
so flavorful,
that the trout themselves choose to live in it.
And the entire system...
runs on gravity.
I mean, think about it--
1.5 billion gallons of water daily...
that trickles, that commence on eastern slope of Slide Mountain,
4,000 feet above the city result in the pleasurable pulse of water..
From your shower massager or that hydrant gush...
that douses the flames in the Bronx.
It's incredible.
It was...
all about water.
Everything. It was just about water.
Well, let's see. We had 20 comps,
and we sold five tickets.
See, six, seven, eight, nine people didn't show up.
So that's, like, 16 we know of.
...wisdom from Chairman Mao.:
"People are like water,: the army like fish."
Like the greatest documentarians of all time,
Edison and Crawley addressed their subject-- embraced it head on--
and I would suggest, entered a whole new territory.
The film? It was good.
It's not a new territory. It's like, people have been here forever
The water-- I can't think of anything older than water.
- Long. - I wasn't sleeping.
- I wasn't. - Good and long.
A.J., remember when we gave you the video camera...
and told you to take some pictures of Grandma?
What did you do? You shot the swing set. You shot the TV.
You shot her feet while she was baking a cake.
Are you familiar with the work of the German deconstructionists?
It's about embracing relationships between people and water.
You add water to anything, it expands.
And that's all. That's really all.
Maybe they can do some good with it. You know?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I was so moved by it. - You were--
Oh, no. I was not.
I was awful. I was so nervous.
And I, you know-- Mmm!
You might want to think a bit about your subject matter...
before you make a movie next time.
Find focus. I don't know how you focus.
Focus--
I'm sorry. You filming something?
- No, I-- - Starting without us, huh?
I just-- I came in and I just turned it on.
- No, that's cool. That's great. - If you want to talk, that's great.
I thought I was going to, but I got nothing to say.
- That's great. - Uh, thank--
- Thanks a lot. Okay. Okay. - All right. Okay.
Scared him off
Hey, keep it rolling. Get your fish shot.
- Yikes. Three hundred feet? - It's not three hundred--
He must've said something. He used up about a whole roll
He used three hundred feet?
I don't really have anything to say.
To be honest, I don't know why anybody would want to make...
a documentary about private detectives.
How many jobs are there where you can be your own boss?
Make your own hours?
This isn't so bad.
Boone and Murphy.
If you don't turn off that camera, I'm gonna hide it inside you...
in a special place.
No, I'm certain that check went out this morning.
Boone, Yakuzian wants his rent.
What a surprise.
It's a .25 caliber automatic. It was on sale at Hugh's Pawn Shop.
Only one owner. It's generally thought of as a woman's weapon,
but I've got kind of a small hand and I'm very secure in my manhood.
We have pepper spray.
Here's a sap I made out of a roll of pennies, a sock and some duct tape.
Mace. Some brass knuckles. You don't see these too much anymore.
Swiss Army knife.
As you can see, the scissors are broken.
Lost the toothpick first day I had it.
Look, it's simple. Owner thinks employees...
are letting their delinquent friends top off their Slushees.
We'll take turns. 2:30 to 4:30 you play video games and watch the shop.
- Sounds very glamorous. - Hey, it'll pay the rent.
Which month?
You can't just go in there and play the stupid game...
unless you're good at it,
otherwise they know that you're the plant.
Boone!
Where the hell is Boone?
It's not really a glamorous job,
but most people think it is because of movies, TV books and stuff
A few hundred years ago most people thought the world was flat.
Gimme a little room, will ya?
This guy wants his insurance company to believe his knee is wrecked--
unrecoverable damage to his left knee.
The insurance company's hoping we're gonna catch him...
doing jumping jacks over there.
One of you guys drop the back window for me.
That's good Hold that.
Guy hasn't moved in three weeks. We're making money.
Water and Power. Third notice.
Phone. We usually pay this one.
Office supplies.
County hospital.
Murphy got bit on the ass by a parrot.
Ask him about that one if you're looking for a humorous interlude.
You guys can't use any of this.
The Black Dahlia murder--
probably the most famous unsolved crime in L.A. history.
They made a movie out of it. Raymond Chandler wrote the screenplay.
The movie was called The Blue Dahlia Murder
It was really the Black Dahlia murder.
I don't know why they changed the color.
It's all part of the mystery, I guess. Anyway...
it happened right here.
What's the address here?
- 6814? - Uh-huh.
It happened right here. I'm pretty sure it was there.
Yeah. Uhh-- Come here. Come-- Come with me this way.
Elizabeth Short was a beautiful, promiscuous,
relatively untalented, aspiring young actress who hit both ways.
She was very popular with female military personnel.
Might've even played some dueling batwings at one time...
with Norma Jean Baker.
I think, actually, it was right here.
On January 15, 1947, her nude body was found in a vacant lot,
sliced in half, disemboweled,
sexually violated and drained of blood.
You can even download morgue photos of her dead body off the internet.
I kid you not.
Press called her the Black Dahlia,
because she dyed her hair and her clothing black.
She loved the color black.
To this day, in darkness she remains.
Many individuals confessed to the crime,
but the confessions were bogus.
The murder-- murder's still unsolved.
Love, sex, betrayal and secrecy.
We'd probably be disappointed if we knew the truth about what happened,
but we still want to know.
Probably some guy she knew got all pissed off about somethin' stupid.
Cut her in half.
So I guess I'm still waiting for my Black Dahlia case.
It doesn't have to be some gorgeous chick...
with a smile carved across her face and her guts ripped out.
It doesn't even have to be a murder.
It just has to be soon.
Mr. Rivers, come on in.
Right this way
It's all right, it's all right.
He didn't do anything when you were staking out the house...
because he knew you were there.
Okay? And then the second you're gone,
the coward comes running out of the house with this big garden tool.
He sends me flying into a rosebush to get away from him.
Do you have a Band-Aid?
What was his problem this time? What was his complaint?
Um, dogshit.
Just dogshit. It's always dogshit.
But it's not my little Bart.
It's that big wolfhound across the street.
Alright, Mr Rivers.
We'll take care of it.
Um, I need to say that I can't, um, afford--
No, don't worry. What you've paid us so far is fine.
- We're gonna handle it, okay? - Thank you.
Angie? Do you have that first-aid kit?
- Hi, J-- - He's missing.
He's missing.
Who is he, Jen? Who we lookin' for this time?
Tony... my cat.
I brought a picture.
The book said it was good to have a picture.
It's a cartoon character. We're looking for a cartoon character?
No, it's the "tiger in your tank" one, not the "Frosted Flakes" one.
She says she's taking her medications,
but I think you should double-check.
She could be hiding the pills under her tongue.
You should actually see her swallow.
Hi. What's your name?
Who's askin'?
- Alexander Hamilton. - Caroline.
Caroline. Is that your real name? What's your last name?
Kennedy.
Hey, you're cute.
We're gonna have to charge you double if you film this.
We're just looking for information.
Either one of you know this girl?
She a cheerleader? We can be cheerleaders.
We can be better cheerleaders.
I'm not shoppin' for sexual favors, sister
I'm looking for a runaway with a cute stage three Mongrin's Syndrome.
If she doesn't get her kidney dialysis by noon tomorrow,
she'll be dead
Do you know her? Yes or no.
- Stacy. - Jesus.
She calls herself Stacy... or Jesus.
Fawn.
Fawn. Okay, have you seen her tonight? Fawn?
I saw her go in there with a guy-- big guy wearing a fez.
Hi. Is that an ARRI SR?
I was already down on him when the movie started
I'm gnawin' away on the bone 15 minutes before he makes a noise.
So I'm figuring, "I'm not going to see any of this movie."
Which is a shame, because I like a good movie.
I went to film school,
and I can also usually get a guy off in about 90 seconds.
But this film felt like it went on forever.
Not in a bad way-- like in a dream or something.
You know what I mean? And that was you guys. That was your movie?
Wild. What was it called?
- You bitch! - Uh-oh!
- You just calm down. Listen to me. - I'm not going back to him!
Are you gonna stay out here in the street until you get killed...
by some pimp or a client?
- It's not like that. I'm careful. - You're careful. Okay.
Listen, you're also very beautiful and smart. I can tell.
But what about love? What about your family?
Jake doesn't know the first thing about family or love.
Your father loves you. He doesn't want you living like this out here.
My father? Jake told you he's my father?
If I get him on the phone, will you talk to him?
If you can talk to him on the phone, I've done my job.
My father died three years ago.
Jake was my ninth-grade English teacher.
He was looking at statutory rape.
I thought I was in love with him,
so we snuck out of Illinois and we came here.
Only Jake has this thing about being an educator.
Nobody'll hire him without references, but he can't get any.
So he gets mad, he gets frustrated and he takes it out on me.
So I split. Okay?
All right, look. Here's what I'm gonna do.
Uh-- This is--
He gave me this for a retainer.
You take it-- Well, just let me--
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--
Expenses. I'm gonna keep some.
But you take this money, and you use it to go home.
Are you just giving me this?
Stop hookin', all right? Stop-- Just go home.
Hey how much money did you give her?
I just gave her his retainer, that's all
Retainer? There was no retainer.
When you were out of the room, the guy gave me the money
We got hired over the phone. The guy never came to the office.
I took the phone call.
See, he sent it in, and I forgot to tell you about it.
What?
Boone--
- It's possible. - Yeah, it's possible.
Just as long as you don't think that's what really happened.
- She needed the money. - She's a hooker.
She makes more than we do.
You're upset because this is the kind of thing you would've done.
I don't think so. This is a Boone move all the way.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothin'.
We do what we do.
If I wasn't a total coward, I'd take out the English teacher.
- That'd be a good move. - You'd kill the guy?
Where'd you park those camera jocks anyway?
I had a talk with them. I told them you didn't want to be in the movie.
- They're cool with that. - You told them that?
Yeah. I said you're a private man with private thoughts and you--
you want your privacy.
- Thank you, Boone. - Mm.
- Two hundred and forty. - Mm.
- I gave her 240 bucks. - Jesus Christ, Boone.
That's a big retainer.
Mr. Collins, come on in. I'm Joe Boone.
- Call me Beep. - Beep?
- What the fuck is this? - Uh--
So, anyway-- Heh!
Bottom line, I, uh--
I think that Emma-- Mrs. Collins--
my wife, is, uh--
is cheating on me.
Is the camera bothering you, Sonny?
No. No, I'm used to the camera. I make my own commercials.
Hey! Beep Collins here for Beeper World.
Come on down!
You've seen 'em. Come on. I use the elephants.
Yeah, I've seen 'em. I'll tell you what.
My partner and I will set up surveillance at your house.
We'll need a picture of your wife, a description of her car--
No! No. I-I-- I know where she goes.
I found receipts.
I can tell you where she goes.
Then why do you need us?
Because--
I just want--
I want someone else to find out and tell me so I'll really believe it.
I-- I want you to go there,
and I want you to wait-- when she goes.
Then I want you to tell me...
- who she's meeting. - I can do that.
That's enough.
It seems what people want to know most...
is the stuff that hurts the most.
How are the oranges today?
- Sweet and juicy. - I'll take a bag.
- Five dollars. - How do you fold your 20s?
In a triangle, like a flag.
You got it.
- Your change would be $15. - It would be.
Have a good day.
What was the name of that movie you did before this one?
Water in the Apple: How new yorkers Get Their Water.
- How new yorkers Get Their Water? - Mm-hmm.
It's funny. Out here, we just kind of turn on the tap.
Did you make any money on that?
Uh, it's not really about that.
- It's not about making money? - No.
I can understand that.
I think that's the car right there.
Yep, that was the license number.
And there is the alleged tramp.
Look, that guy's already in the room.
Don't do that.
Alright.
We wait.
Seriously think about it.
How can you guys be sure you're getting the real me? Alright?
I took some acting classes, improvisation and stuff.
I could be, you know--
being somebody else.
I'm just kiddin'.
I was playing with you.
The in and out.
In and out.
That's what my job...
is all about.
Boone. Boone.
What? What?
Did I fall asleep?
That is the one unbreakable rule in this job: don't fall asleep!
This is how that whole Bay of Pigs thing started. Kennedy fell asleep.
Listen, don't use this part, okay? Lt really makes me look like a jerk.
Wait, wait, wait. What is this? Hold on. Hold on.
Oh, a feminist.
She's payin' for the room. I like that.
Wait a minute.
My God, that's Murphy.
All I know is I meet this girl at a dating service. We have similar interests.
Really? What is that, motels with hourly rates? Huh?
- I'm wasting my time here. - No, seriously, this is great.
In the future, some guy walks in,
says my wife is hanging the horns on me,
all I gotta do is knock on your door and the case is solved.
What I do on my own time is my own business.
- What do I tell the client? - I don't give a shit!
Turn that thing off. This is personal. Give it a rest.
Now I gotta go back to my client-- excuse me, our client-- and say,
"Yes! Your wife is having an affair with this office!"
It's unbelievable! You make us look like complete and total morons.
- You know that? You do. - I-- Look, it's the Boone show.
They're making a movie. It's all about you. It's Joe Boone, P.I.
- The Boone Files. - All right.
Since when did you care what we look like? We are morons.
- Just go back in the office. - If we weren't morons,
we'd have real jobs in a real office making real money,
not chasin' around this stupid "Hardy Boy" dream of yours.
See ya around, Angie.
I thought it was your dream too.
Hey I just wanted to help you out, man. That's all it was.
Is this you quitting?
Turn it off.
Murphy's my best friend.
What we need here is a magic trick--
make it so I could be three places at once...
and collect three fees, so I could at least pay this month's rent.
Only problem is, I can't take the Beeper King's money,
because it was my partner.
I talked Murphy into this.
He was working for this security company, and I was in-between jobs.
We're high-school friends. Did I tell you that?
We're high-school friends. Yeah. Yeah.
We met when we both didn't make the baseball team.
Did I screw up?
Yeah, I always screw up.
I thought that this was--
Look, guys, I'm--
I think I'm gonna have to shut down.
Angela can get unemployment. The office furniture's all leased.
They're gonna come get it anyway. We'll pawn that too.
I'm just real sorry about the movie. I'm-- I'm sorry.
I know that--
Maybe you can find another guy.
A guy who can keep his partner.
Hoodeeho.
- I like this guy - I like him too.
We gotta help him, man.
We'd be affecting our subject--
in essence, manipulating the material and making a lie,
which is something we swore we would never do.
A.J., we affect the subject by just being there, so--
- Do you want to make this movie? - Yeah.
- We got all our money in it. - Okay then. Come on, come on.
I don't know, man. I don't know.
I think maybe the way we've been going about this is the wrong way.
Maybe that was the problem with water epic, man. We knew the ending.
- Water, it... comes out the tap. - Wilt, when we get our night...
at the Museum of Modern Art, there's gonna be classes...
devoted entirely to the water epic.
Oh, man! Don't do that. You be buggin', man, with the--
the museum and classes.
That's the future, man. That's some end result.
- I'm talkin' 'bout right now. - Yes, right now.
There's some things we can do. We can save this movie.
- We can help the subject. - If we do, what is the movie then?
Is it a documentary about a private investigator?
- Yes. - Or is it now a documentary...
about a couple documentary guys...
who are making a documentary about a private investigator.
- Now they gotta bail him out. - We're just getting into...
the beauty part of making documentaries, man.
Professor Toland said it all the time: "You can't plan a good one.
- It's gotta reveal itself to you." - We're not.
So, now, wait. Are we gonna use this scene in the movie then?
Look, man--
What we're sayin' is, is that, uh,
we could be the extra bodies that you need,
to finish these last three cases.
I mean, at least until you get a new partner
What do you mean, both of you? What about your movie?
Well, um-- Okay, um,
one of us would take a case with you,
and then the other one would film it.
You see that camera-mounted mic?
We could use that.
What you're just doing is to salvage your investment, right?
Right, right, right.
I love you guys.
Okay. That's okay. Thanks.
- Come here! - Wait. Watch the camera.
Aah! Ow!
I want you to just carry it. It's not loaded or anything.
It's not even a real gun.
Got it from the prop department over at Paramount.
Friend of ours got it for us.
Feels real, though, huh?
It feels kinda like rubber.
What do I need the gun for?
I'm not gonna need a gun.
You won't.
It's just... so that you won't.
Looks real though.
Okay.
If I got this fake gun...
and I point it at somebody...
with, you know, a real gun...
they're gonna shoot me!
You never point it at anybody. You just-- You have it.
You just-- You have it in case.
Of what?
These are not the kind of questions you should be asking.
Let's go over our caseload
You could build a home with that. All right, the crazy neighbor.
Our client, Mr. Rivers, is getting death threats from this guy...
over alleged canine malfeasance.
Shouldn't we check with the wolfhound first?
I want you to stand tall, keep quiet and look very serious.
Sometimes the best way to deal with these things...
is to confront the asshole head-on.
Alleged asshole.
I learned in second grade that bullies are just one thing:
They're cowards with balls.
We'll show him what he's up against if he keeps traveling this road.
Good morning, sir. My name is Joe Boone.
These are my associates. We're gonna film this for insurance purposes.
Pleased to meet you.
- Your neighbor, Mr. Rivers-- - I know him.
- I'm here to talk about his dog. - The wolfhound.
No, no, no. Bart. Bart. He's small.
He's one of those battery-operated dogs.
It's not my favorite breed, but it's what we're stuck with here.
The wolfhound is a problem.
Yes, the wolfhound is a problem, but-- but not Bart.
So therefore, your problem's not with Mr. Rivers,
as Mr. Rivers is unconnected to the wolfhound.
You put it that way, I'll go along with you, Joe.
You seem like a very sincere person.
Case closed, gentlemen. Onward.
Hi. I'm Zacharia Jones for Little Came,
America largest small game and hunting wildlife magazine.
Murphy? Hello?
Murph, pick up if you're there, buddy.
Hey, remember this one? Pow!
I'm looking for Sarah Conner.
Personal grooming. Let's talk about your appearance.
In the personal inquiry profession, you either want to blend in...
or stand out so much people don't want to look at you.
For instance, Wilt, you're, uh--
you're a shade under dressed for a black man.
"A shade-- for a black man."
A.J., what are those shoes? Are they French, Israeli?
My point is, they're not shoes that a heterosexual white man would wear.
- He's giggin' on us. - No, I'm not.
- You are. - Listen to me.
Attending to these little details can mean the difference...
between the successful completion of an assignment...
and severe bodily harm.
Let's have a little review session on how to safely relieve yourself...
during an extended one-man surveillance.
- Wilt? - I just went.
Now I'll shoot you.
Now I'll shoot you down.
Now I'll shoot you down on the big hill.
I have to do this detective stuff at least--
I'm sorry. Oh, boy. Did I break that?
Ooh. I'll wipe that up. I'm sorry.
Hello?
- Hmm. - Can I help you?
My name is Monica Collins. My husband's Sonny Collins.
- Beep is your husband? - Sonny.
Yeah, Sonny is my husband. He hired you--
If he hired us, it's confidential We're not at liberty to--
He hired you to follow me, his wife,
who Sonny thinks is having an affair.
But I'm not me, am I?
No.
This is you.
Emma Huffington. She's Sonny's secretary.
Sonny is married to me. Sonny is having an affair with Emma.
He hired us to find himself?
No. Emma's been having an affair with somebody else,
and it's driving Sonny out of his skull.
It's really kind of funny, isn't it?
He's worried about who the woman he's cheating on me with...
is cheating on him with.
I'm sorry but this is very creepy, if you don't mind me saying so.
Sonny has been missing since yesterday morning.
Left for lunch and didn't come back.
I want you to find him for me. I want you to bring him back to me.
- How much do you need? - Maybe he doesn't want to.
He's not with her. She was at work all day. I checked.
She doesn't know where he is either.
Are you okay?
- You talkin' to me? - Uh,
- Directly. - excuse me.
Um, I know this sounds like a silly kind of question,
but if he's cheating on you with his secretary,
why do you want him back?
Yeah, why?
I set him up in the beeper business, so I would always know where he was.
- I'm sorry. - Is that funny?
No, sorry.
You have to find him anyway to get paid for your other job. Don't you?
- That's true. - You're right.
- So maybe we could-- - Okay.
Murphy's sleeping with the guy's girlfriend.
The guy hires us to find Murphy, and then he disappears.
Personally if I have my choice, I'm gonna go with the wife.
Somethin' about the secretary yo.
Somethin' intellectually musky
Wilt, I gotta be behind the camera now.
No. No.
We gotta find Murphy.
I don't like this at all.
Like I said, I don't know anything about what happens in this complex
Right this way. I'm completely ignorant...
when it comes to the private lives of my tenants.
I'm in the dark. Lights out. Heh! You know, that's me.
My wife even says I'm like one of those three monkeys.
Who else has a key to this place?
I have absolutely no idea. Not a clue.
So Sonny finds out Murphy's sleepin' with Emma,
and Sonny storms over here to kill him.
What do you think of that?
Wait. He hired you to find out, didn't he?
- You didn't tell him, did you? - No!
- So who told him? - Emma.
- Emma? - Emma confessed to Sonny.
She tells him because she's leaving him to be with Murphy.
But there's no blood, so-- There's no blood.
So Murphy must've gotten away or not been here.
Either he got away or-- I can't think.
Where's the damn phone?
Yeah.
Murphy, where are you, man?
I need you to drive me to Mexico. Will you do that for me?
Only if you tell me what the hell's goin' on.
- Can they hear us? - No, we're out of range.
You remember when we saved that little fat kid?
Her mom thought she was drownin'. She was just chokin' on a churro.
You hit her in the stomach with that float.
She launched that thing like a--
They oughta make a movie about that, when you and me, we were lifeguards.
That'd be a good show.
Listen, the Beep Master's wife hired me to find him.
The one you were sleeping with, Emma, she's not the wife.
She's the secretary.
I need to get out of the country for a while. I haven't killed anybody.
I haven't even broken the law. I just need to go away for a while.
- Emma tell you she was the wife? - No, she told me she was Emma.
Her interests are jigsaw puzzles and long, romantic walks in the rain.
Listen, man, you owe me, Joey. I was there for you when--
Never run. You're not good at running.
Yeah, I'm just steady old Murphy, right? Your faithful partner.
Any crazy thing you want to do--
You want to be a lifeguard? Murphy'll go along with you.
You wanna write songs?
Wanna drink yourself to death?
Hey. Hey, what? You wanna drink yourself to death?
I was here for that too. Right?
To make sure you didn't.
The problem with the songwriting was neither one of us...
knew anything about music!
That's it! Walk away, Murphy! Walk away! Come on, Murph.
We both know we're going to use this, no matter what we said
This is great. We shot it.
- It's in the movie. - Yeah, it is great.
It's the partner scene.
Maybe this is the partner scene.
Yeah, at least we're not personally affecting the film here, Wilt.
Did you bring your passport in case you want to come back?
Yes, Mom, I did.
- Got enough money? - Don't tell me you got any extra.
Heh! No, I don't. Do you?
No.
Been real.
- It's a documentary. - Yeah.
For the record... I told him he shouldn't let you do this movie.
I still think it's a bad idea.
- See you, buddy. - Yeah.
Take care.
But New York City water is so clean...
it does not require filtration of any kind
We put some stuff in it. Uh, um--
A little bit of chlorine for disinfectant.
Um, aluminum sulfate...
and copper sulfate...
To settle out the foreign particles and control your algae.
Tiny bit of fluoride, you know, so kids won't get cavities. And, uh--
And a smidgen of caustic soda.
The human body is 70% water.
An average person can live for weeks without food,
but within three days, a lack of water would result in death.
If I had some toothpicks,
I could've used them to prop my eyes open.
I liked it.
Of course you did. You took a nap.
Wait. You wanna talk about the movie?
You don't wanna talk about Murphy or Mexico?
You guys have a lot of talent.
You just have no respect for guys that actually go to the movies.
There was no sex.
It's a documentary about water delivery
Let me tell you how water can be very sexy.
You get your hydrologist naked. You pour water...
all over her body while discussing the fluoride content.
Every guy in that theater is gonna have a raging boner...
that'll get you through the Mohawk Indians...
and the history of the Catskills themselves.
That is just beyond cynical, Boone.
No, it's logical. Movies are about magic, right?
The most magical thing is love.
How do you dramatize love in the clearest and best possible way?
Sex.
Okay look. I liked it, and I'm proud of you both.
Someone should pour water over you.
I'm not saying it's a total disaster by any means.
- I'm sensing fear on your part. - May I help you?
- Is Mr Boone in? - I don't hide behind the camera.
- Excuse me. - The camera is an extension of me.
It's like a brush for a painter.
An artist has to have a medium through which he expresses himself.
Let me tell you something. They call it show business.
They don't call it show art.
You're backing away from some raw gut feelings, period.
- Horniness is not an emotion. - I'm Joe Boone. How you doin'?
I'm Jake Pierson. Spoke to you on the phone.
Did you, uh-- Did you find her?
Beg your pardon?
My daughter Stacy.
I hired you guys to find my daughter.
Huh! She's not your daughter.
- And you're an asshole! Get out! - What did she tell you?
- What did she tell you? She lies! - Come here, buddy!
- Open the door, Angie! - Take it easy! Stop it!
You're lucky my partner's not here! He'd kill you!
Jesus! I love her.
I love that girl.
Goddamn it!
I didn't look for the lie!
That's the moral here, boys. I didn't look for the fucking lie.
I lost my temper. I'm sorry.
So we got a beautiful woman-- betrayed, by the way.
We got-- We got the, uh, jealous husband.
We got, uh-- seductive secretary.
We got the, uh-- the fugitive partner.
This is really shaping up.
Do you think we really need all that stuff of me and Angela though?
You mean when you were putting on your little show...
for our detective's secretary?
Absolutely. Office romance.
I'm just friendly to her. I'm not hitting on her.
I gotta be in this, you gotta be in this, Wilt.
- Wilt? - Yes?
Was our New York water documentary really that bad?
No, no. It was just misunderstood.
I don't think there's any way you can cover a topic of that magnitude...
in less than three hours,
and I don't care what the festival people say...
- I agree with you. - or anybody.
I agree.
The section about the rat fishing, that was particularly moving.
- You're gonna make fun of me now. - No, um, no.
This is better though.
So far, yeah.
Oh, God, they're replicating.
Turn off the camera, Wilt. Turn it off!
Hold my calls. Take a letter. You're fired.
You guys ready?
You look good, A.J. Let's do it.
Emma's the key.
Yes. Emma's the key.
Whoa!
Wrong house!
- You went to the wrong house. - What?
You went to the wrong house. You talked to the wrong neighbor.
- Maybe you gave the wrong address. - No! I did no such thing.
You have done nothing, Mr. Boone. He's still after me.
- Shit! - No! Now, don't creep!
- We're on it, Mr. Rivers. - No! Don't creep away from me.
Mr. Rivers, I'm gonna have to ask you to step away from the car.
- Should I wait here? - No.
Mr. Boone, please!
Listen to what I'm telling ya. Emma's the key
The musky intellectual?
Look for the lie. Always look for the lie.
Beep hires us to find out who's sleepin' with his girlfriend.
Turns out to be Murphy. Next thing you know,
Beep has disappeared, and Murphy's runnin' scared.
The common denominator is who? It's Emma.
- But what about the wife? - Murphy doesn't know the wife.
Maybe Murphy's lying.
You're talkin' 'bout my partner here.
My friend.
- Friends lie. - I know friends lie! I know.
But this isn't a dime-store novel, it's--
The partner doesn't throw you over.
The beautiful girl doesn't show up at your goddamn apartment.
Wilt, take the camera. A.J.'s my partner today.
Well, damn!
Hi, this is Emma. I'm not here right now, but leave me a message. Bye.
Let me give you a hand here.
- Good afternoon, officer - Good afternoon.
- What are you doing? - A student film, sir
You got a permit to shoot here?
You need a permit to shoot on the premises. Turn it off.
Yes, sir
Shit!
Go. Let's get out of here. Come on. Move!
Get your ass in the car!
Get in.
Don't speed, Boone. Don't speed.
Let's go!
- Murphy's dead. - What?
He's dead! Somebody killed him. He's up there on Emma's floor, dead.
Cinco, por favor
So wha-what happened?
I picked the lock and let myself in. It was a nice apartment.
Lot of modern Danish furniture.
Big pillows. Bedroom was a virgin spinster kind of white.
You know-- white dresser, white chair, white lace curtains,
big white bedspread with lace skirting.
Blood kinda leaps out at you in all that white.
How was he-- I mean, did somebody, you know, shoot him, or--
I don't know. I didn't look. I panicked.
I heard voices in the hall, and I just--
He was all blue. His skin was--
His eyes were closed though.
- Boone! Oh, my God! Stop it! - I want my money!
- Let go of the bat! - I want my 40 grand!
I want to talk to Murphy. I want my money back!
- Angela, if he moves-- - Wilt, you're not helping.
He's gonna get off you, but you gotta promise to calm down, okay?
- Fine. - Let him up.
- Angela, if he moves, crack him. - Give me your hand-- Wilt!
- I want my money, you bastards! - Aah!
Listen, if Murphy had $40,000, why the hell was he asking me--
She forged my signature on a personal check,
she traded it for a money order and she gave it to your partner.
I know Murphy. If Murphy had $40,000--
Emma gave him 40 grand.
If Murphy had $40,000, he'd go to Mexico.
- It's not my money - Why did she give him $40,000?
I gotta get it back! Is Murphy in Mexico?
- Then whose money is it? - My wife's. Everything's hers.
She's gonna kill me.
Your wife's lettin' you get the part-time poom-poom,
and now she's gonna kill you for $40,000?
You don't know my wife. We have an understanding.
One more time. Why would Emma Huffington give Murphy $40,000?
I don't know! Why don't you ask Murphy?
- I'd love to, but he's dead. - Murphy's dead?
We're looking for Joe Boone.
- When were you gonna tell me? - You're Boone?
- This never happens. - What's going on here, gentlemen?
- We're just havin' a conversation. - With this?
Oh, no, no. You're not filming me. Is it off?
What is going on here? We have rights here.
Okay slick, let's go.
- Sir, let's go outside. - Alright, alright!
Look, if this is about those parking-- Ow! Aah!
Your partner left a bucket of blood..
In a woman named Emma Huffington's apartment.
- Your prints are all over - Explain, please.
- Are you arresting me for murder? - Here's the dating-service tape...
with your partner's love song to Miss Huffington.
Two shmoes with the same girlfriend. Shmoe #1 winds up dead.
- You're a P.I. Figure it out. - Confess. You'll feel better.
I don't think I'm gonna feel better for a long time.
If you clowns had any proof I killed him, you wouldn't be sittin' on me.
You'd be readin' me my rights and takin' me to jail.
- Detective Simmons. - Yep?
- Beeper King says-- - "Beeper King"? What is that?
Mr. Boone is working for him. Emma is the Beeper King's girlfriend.
Boone was doing surveillance. Beeper King says he'll vouch for Mr. Boone.
"Vouch"? Did he actually use the word "vouch"?
- Get this guy out of here. - Can you let me up, please?
Alright. Let's go.
Aha. Smile.
- You can borrow her if you want. - Really?
Yeah, I know what it's like to be stuck, man.
Cool. Yeah, let me take a look.
Not a lot of horsepower, but she's awful damn sweet, isn't she?
- Nice. Light. - How's she feel?
I think it must be out of alignment,
because it keeps making that clicking sound.
- Did somebody drop it? - Yeah.
It just keeps making that clicking sound, you know?
- Internal light meter work, Earl? - I think so.
- What's that sound? - It's like a,
- "hhdd-dd-dd-dd." - Oh, like a "chk-chk-chk-chk"?
No, it's the fast one, like, "hhdd-dd-dd-dd."
Oh, like, "shhdd-dd-dd-Du, tk-tk-tk-tk"?
I don't know the sound it's making verbatim, Earl, but it is clicking.
- It's like, "hhdd-dd-dd-dd " - Give it to me. One more.
- Like, "hhdd-dd-dd-dd " - Like, "hhdd-dd-dd-dd."
- Right.
Alright. Okay. Jeez. The last guy who used this had sticky fingers.
- Cinnamon. Doughnuts or crullers? - We need it back right away.
Yeah, we do. We're right in the middle of something.
Yeah, well, you know what Scorsese would do.
He'd finish it up on Mr. Super 8 there.
He'd just get busy. That's what he'd do.
Your pull-down claws aren't lining up. It's probably nicking the film.
- So when can I get it? - I'll get to it this afternoon.
- Okay. Good enough. - You want some film for that one?
Got some early 80s Kodachrome.
You can mess with the emulsion, do a little L.S.D. flashback.
We'll call you back.
Very Oliver Stone, actually.
Alright.
- Poor Murphy. - I hate this shit.
Well. Because you pre-purchased our perpetuity package...
for your loved one, uh, Joe,
all we have to do today is, uh,
arrange for services and choose an urn.
Okay, he's over at the County Coroner's office--
We'll take care of it.
This will help you choose the appropriate service.
- He wasn't really religious. - I don't know, perhaps...
a memorial gathering for friends, any, um, family?
Is there a place we could talk about this privately?
Oh, sure. Sure, yes.
Right this way. It's in my office.
- I'll be right there. - Okay.
- Hi. - Hi.
Um, do you have an appointment?
- We're Murphys. - What?
Mr. and Mrs. Murphy. The police called...
and asked us to identify Kevin's body.
But apparently, somebody's already done that.
- An interloper. A fortune hunter. - Uncle Bill, right?
Murphy said he didn't have any family
- He said any family he cared about. - Are you filming this?
Documenting the process itself can be...
a very effective way of dealing with...
the initial stages of grief, the denial phase--
- I'm not in denial. - Of course you're not.
You're getting all the money.
- There is no insurance. - Kevin's father took out...
something for him on his 16th birthday.
You're talking about that? That was a savings bond. Alright?
He spent it on a Chinese four-track home studio that nobody could work.
- It was a piece of furniture! - The selection of the urn itself...
can unite a family caught in the throes--
My husband was always talking about Kevin.
That little scamp.
Even though they didn't see each other very often,
Bill was always talking about his favorite little nephew.
Ah, my! The stories--
Like what?
No, really, I'd like to hear one of Uncle Bill's stories.
Angela, could you help me?
These guys are making me dizzy.
If I were to pick an urn that I wanted to...
memorialize the essence of your life--
Angela's just cleaning up some details, so we're done.
With this part.
One forty-one, one forty-two.
A couple of years ago a client couldn't pay, remember?
Instead, he gave us these side-by-side slots.
It's actually kind of-- It's kind of peaceful.
It's not bad.
I never told Murphy about this. He'd have been creeped out.
The cops want me to do their job for them and find Emma.
They want me to find her and bring her downtown Friday...
to explain what happened.
Hodeeho.
Hi, I'm Kevin Joseph Murphy. I am 36 years old,
and I got my own business.
Pretty exciting line of work.
I'm a private eye in the City of Angels.
I like to walk on the wild side.
I am my own man, I call my own shots--
Jeez, maybe I should start over.
Uh--
Uh, okay.
Hey, hi. I'm Murphy.
And I'm just looking to meet someone nice.
Someone who'll talk to me about real stuff.
The only person who will talk to me since I got divorced...
is my partner, Boone.
Which is fine, except he's a large, hairy man,
and I have no romantic feelings towards him.
Probably easier if I did, because we spend so much time together.
But, uh, I'm...
a believer in playing the cards you're dealt,
and my hand says I like women.
Boone would be pretty surprised if he knew I was doing this.
Uh, but no, he gets it, actually.
And you'll meet him... if you meet me.
Uh, it's all about, uh, family.
And if you don't have one, you gotta make one.
And Boone and I,
we're this- this little unit,
and I'm just looking to expand the unit some.
Yeah, it took me all of 15 minutes to do her.
Most of which was digging crumbs out of the transport mechanism.
- Ha ha ha. Yeah. - You got her?
The Super 8 has been giving me grief, Earl
- Cutting out on me arbitrarily - You break it, you bought it.
Alright!
Dueling cameras. Deliverance.
Somebody squeal like a pig.
Um,
did he say when he would be back?
Why don't you give the guy a little space?
We've got the keys to his car
Fine. Drive some place in it.
You be the detectives for a little while.
What- What's that supposed to mean?
Look, I don't want you filming me.
- Angela. I know how you feel-- - No, you don't!
No, you don't. You stand there behind that camera,
and you see what I'm doing.
And you have that boom microphone over my head,
and you hear what I'm saying, but you don't--
You can't understand what I'm thinking, Wilton.
Okay? You can't.
Not in a million years.
Now we're the detectives.
Yeah. Yeah.
And Boone?
Boone is grieving.
Now we're making a documentary about two guys making a documentary..
About a private detective, only we're the detectives.
- It's a murder mystery. - Then why follow the wife?
'Cause we don't know where anybody else is.
Okay here she comes.
- Oh, she's a goddess. - Calm down.
- Hey is that synchronized-- - Synchronized swimming!
- What is she-- - I love this event.
Oh, this is freaky
Alright, it's just a regular swimming lesson.
It's nothing. Oh, but damn, she really can't swim.
Oh, wow
Wow, but that's so cute.
I think we're wasting our time here.
No, no.
No, cool it. Anything we get. Everything is a potential clue.
I mean, for instance, if Murphy got drowned,
then--
Forget about it. Blondie here is innocent off g.p.
That's kinda cold.
I'm sorry, it's just-- That's what we're doin'.
I think that we should go back to the office and file a report.
Mm.
Wilt? Wilt.
I saw a supple body writhing before me.
- Oh, my God - Check out Doogie at the window
Doesn't this remind you of them things in the men's magazines?
Where's Monica? Monica's gone, Wilt.
Wait a minute, her car's still there. She's in the house.
Oh, Jesus.
We got sex.
Monica's in the house. We gotta make a decision here.
She could be leaving. We could lose her.
- What are you doing? - Huh?
- You need to be on the 600 for that. - We're watching the wife.
You said we're gonna go watch the wife.
This may be related, man.
This may not be no coincidence. These people might, um--
They may have something to do with what happened to Murphy.
Uh-huh. You don't really believe that, do you?
- Huh? - You don't really believe that?
No. But-- You know what I do believe in?
I believe in serendipity. That's what I believe in.
I belie-- Okay, put it like this: What would Boone do?
Oh, great. She's leaving. Monica's pulling out right now.
Wilt, we're gonna-- Holy shit.
- What? What? - Get me Big Bertha and the doubler.
Oh. Right. Right. Here we go.
I'd be worried about wood burns.
And then they were gone.
Case closed.
You really want to know a man, you walk a mile in his shoes.
Fine, turn it on. Push the red button.
- Sure you want to do this? - Yeah, I want the easy job.
- Okay. Marks. - I'm beat.
- Start it again. - Marks. Take one. Where's Marlowe?
Okay,you're using an ARRI SR camera, with a 25-250 zoom lens.
- That's our workhorse. - Yeah, Breathless and Weekend..
Are some real good movies that used that camera.
- Got a fish-eye. - Makes everything kind of big.
Uh, assorted filters, here.
This is what we call Big Bertha, for obvious reasons.
Steve McQueen, the Bullitt,
when they came over the hill in San Francisco.
Uh, lens cleaner.
Got a boom mike, modified with a sock.
- We got, uh, film-- - Alright, fine. Let's go.
Uh, Mr. Lindstrom? You can come in now.
Hi, Wilton Crawley. Pleased to meet you.
Mr Lindstrom, A.J. Edison. Come on in and have a seat.
This is just for our files, sir No one's ever going to see this.
The thing is, we don't, uh-- We investigate--
- Did you call the police? - Police? They're useless.
They gave me the runaround.
- Listen-- - Do you want the job or not?
Uh, well, um, yeah. Yes. We do. We do want the job.
- But we're not vigilantes. - Yeah.
Ma'am, we can't-- we won't-- we can't destroy somebody's car.
Even if he was in your parking space--
- You're a couple of cowards. - A couple of cowards?
Terrified little worm-men!
Come on, come on. This is really pretty fuckin' simple!
I mean, you go tonight at exactly 3:30 a.m...
to the San Pedro Pier,
and you give the fucking brief case to a guy named Silvio!
White suit in a white Chevy.
Huh? He'll flash his brights three times so you'll know it's him.
What is in the briefcase?
This is what we keep coming back to.
It's none of your fucking business what is in the briefcase!
If you won't tell us what is in the brief case, I'll thank you to leave.
No, okay? I'm sorry, I don't accept that.
We are not chasing clients away.
That's not fair. That's not true. We're being selective.
If a criminal comes in here and asks us...
to aid and abet him in criminal activity--
Right, exactly. If something that's gonna be dangerous,
or harmful to us--
- Are we supposed to just say yes? - Say "Sure, I'll do it. "
No questions asked. No comment. Just, "Give me the check"?
You know, you're not a filmmaker.
- You're hiding behind that camera. - No, I'm not.
We need to advertise.
You can't rely on walk-in business alone.
- We gotta place an ad somewhere. - A.J., listen to me.
What we gotta do is find Emma and figure out what happened to Murphy.
- Because Boone's given up. - I heard that!
We should emphasize our personal skills, you know?
- Talk about a "caring environment." - A.J.
- Uh, "guys you can trust." - A.J. A.J.?
We're not really detectives, man.
Okay, we're just wearin' suits.
- Check the address. - I checked it already.
Check it again. See, it'll give you something to do, now.
- You check it. - Now, I'll check it, okay?
I asked you to check it, and now I'm gonna check it.
We're gonna find out who's boss.
You see this? This is a tie. I'm the man with the tie.
The man with the tie does not check an address. Is that right?
- His people do it for him. Sorry? - The man with the ti--
- Is that clear? - I should choke you with that tie.
- Okay, he's gonna push me now. - "I'm the man with the tie."
- What is it, a children's story? - Come on.
You want to find out who wrestled in junior high?
I did, and I know you didn't!
This is a documentary. We can't control it!
- I don't sound like that. - It's what it is.
Hey girls! This camera's not getting any lighter
You want to go to the door sometime this year?
- Go ahead. - Well, I'll go first. Freak.
- Kiss the mat. - Excuse me?
Kiss the welcome mat.
- Kiss the mat, scumbag! - Oh, shit.
Who the fuck are ya? Private dicks, huh?
It's gonna take more than waving around a fake gun to scare me off!
- Oh, please shut up. - How about this?
- No, no, no! - What are you thinkin' now, huh?
How are you going to show this to the sheriff?
What if I blow his brains out and put the pieces on that pussy's lawn?
Bad idea. Bad idea.
Boom! Yeah. That was the dry run.
Wilt! Go! Go!
H-H-Hey, now you're gone. Huh? Scumbags.
What are you still doing here? Get the fuck off my property.
- Get the fuck off my property! - Yes, sir
Get out of here!
Call the police.
Don't mess with me.
Goddamnit.
Joey where you get these guys?
- There you go. - Let me see it. Come on.
Not even close.
I like to take it with the green side up. Fold it lengthwise one time.
Crease. And all you got to think about then--
Come up with the camera a little bit. Just up.
- That's probably good right there. - Good?
- Up a little bit more. Good. - Okay?
Keep on making a triangle. Triangle.
- You gotta come up, Paul. - What?
- Up a little bit more. - Am I alright?
Up. Up. Up. Hold that.
- Over to your-- Which way? - That's his right.
- Your right. - Your right. And up. And up.
- There you go. - Stop.
Just keep doing it. That's all you gotta do.
- Check the focus. - Check the what?
Check the focus?
How's he gonna check the focus? He's blind.
- He's blind. - I-I can do that.
Hey uh, hey. Where are you now?
- It's been a long-- - Take the goddamn camera, A.J.
Take the goddamn camera.
- I do okay? - You did a great job.
- Hey, hey, hey. Thank you, boss. - See you soon.
- All right, boss. - Drive the car.
Drive the car!
Where we goin'?
Where you goin', Joey?
We're goin' back to work.
The sun was like a fried egg...
floating in a glass of liquid gravel..
When we arrived at Monica Collins' house.
It was a modest place, tidy.
Just a shade smaller than Yankee Stadium.
The air stunk of fertilizer, her money,
- the San-- - Shut up!
Sorry, I just got a little nervous.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I won. I won!
She thought you were Ed McMahon.
Sweepstakes junk mail really pushes her over the edge.
An optimistic people. Thank you.
- So did you find him? - More like he found us.
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
I wish you would.
How does this understanding with your husband work... exactly?
Well, he does what he wants.
He doesn't touch my money.
I do what I want. I give him an allowance.
Is sex involved?
See, the financial tangles of a divorce...
would benefit neither one of us.
Once I got used to the idea of my husband...
consorting with other women, well--
I still don't see why it's worth anything to you to find him.
Well, this is a big house, and I'm all alone.
It's comfortable having Beep around here.
But I mean, it could be anyone.
And it would be so much nicer if it were someone that I actually cared about.
Um, can we stop the camera for just a moment, please?
Should we wait?
We have to wait. We're his backup.
Backup?
A.J. don't know what he's doin' in there?
I-I mean, in the investigative sense.
Murphy always said, "There's inside guys and outside guys."
- Your partner's the inside guy now. - Yeah, I'll say.
Although traditionally, it's the senior guy gets the fringes.
Look, Boone, it's not you. It's A.J. A.J.'s a magnet for women.
On the water pic, he got jumped by Ninki, the hydrologist lady.
Now it's the Beeper King's wife.
You know what's bugged out, though? We did this eight-minute piece...
on hookers in Central Park.
They did not even look at him.
That makes me feel so much better. Thank you.
Oh, man.
I've been wanting to use this lens...
since we started, but ah, A.J's not gonna let me do it.
He thinks that trick lenses are a lie.
Did you ever see Citizen Kane?
You gotta see it, man. They got this part in the beginning,
where he's like, pushing through the fences,
and he starts pushing through the gates, you know.
I mean, there's real..
And then there's, you know, real
I miss Murphy.
That's all I'm gonna say on the subject.
I mean, why was he running?
What was he running from that we couldn't handle together?
Was he-- Was he running to something,
or someone--
And I let him go, you know? I shouldn't have listened.
I should have kept him right here, where nothing bad could happen.
He came back. He came back and got killed.
He came--
He came back? He came back!
He came back. He came back.
Whoa! What about A.J.?
M-U-R-P-H-Y.
Right. I-I have no idea. I could have lost it anywhere.
Jeez, Louise. Where in Mexico?
Ensenada. They took my card to Ensenada?
So after he buys the surfboard in Ensenada,
he checks into the Portal Del Mar, a real classy joint:
Nineteen bucks a night for a double.
He made four phone calls back here to guess who?
Emma Huffington.
Yeah. Then he rents a car two nights ago in Tijuana.
Pays extra for unlimited miles. It hasn't been returned yet.
There are room service charges last night.
When he was dead.
Boone. Boone, just try the door.
The cards, they keep breaking.
There's nobody here.
Where's his board?
If he came here to surf, where's his new board?
Beep did this, didn't he? He killed my beautiful Murphy.
For the 40 grand you stole from him?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You stole $40,000 from Sonny Collins--
you gave it to Murphy to do what?
I loved him.
I loved him, I loved him! Please, believe me.
Beep was shooting commercials the night of the crime.
Many witnesses, including pachyderms.
I think you killed Murphy. You set him up.
No! No, I told him to stay here.
I warned him that Beep was upset. I told him to stay put...
until I could figure out what to do.
Five minutes later what I figured out was that I wanted Murphy...
more than I've ever wanted anything.
But he didn't stay put.
I came here. He went back to L.A.
Why?
Look, lady, I'm in this a lot deeper than you are.
My only out is to take you back to L.A. and feed you to the cops.
No! No, please.
Okay. Okay.
I was working this... dating service,
trying to find a guy.
The right kind of guy to do this thing I wanted to have done--
What "thing"?
I wanted somebody to kill Monica Collins...
so that I could be with Sonny.
If she was dead, he wouldn't have any reason not to marry me.
You know, I mean, h-he just kept saying...
he could never divorce her, he'd never be free unless she was dead!
So I thought, hell, kill her!
And then when he called you and said he couldn't do it, you fell for him.
Makes sense, doesn't it? I mean--
He was just a really good person, you know? He changed me.
- Where's the money? - He was bringing it back to me.
He couldn't kill her. He couldn't keep the money.
He was just a really good person.
If he hadn't thought about killing her,
you never would have given him the money.
If he hadn't thought about keeping the money,
he wouldn't have run away with it.
What are you saying?
I have no idea.
But you're right, he was an excellent person.
And if--
- If you... didn't-- - What?
Simmons, listen to me. Just go over there.
Yeah?
He did? Well, then, I guess it doesn't matter where I am, does it?
Boone, what's going on?
Boone!
Maybe you should summarize where we are in this case now
- No. - Is A.J. in trouble?
Nope.
Oh, damn. Cops? What was you thinkin'?
You said it was all right to leave. This is fucked up.
No, it's not. It's romantic.
Hey Fellini, how do you work the zoom on this thing again?
- Nevermind, there it is. - Are you stupid?
- Monica killed Murphy. - Mm.
It was eating at her like a-- a tapeworm,
and I had this feeling, this sixth sense, that something was going on.
So you slept together and she confessed?
I got her to confess.
It's like I-- I played her.
Like a ukulele, you know? It was like I-I--
I got her to confess to killing Murphy, I called the cops.
- No, Boone called the cops. - No. A.J. called 'em first.
You got a cigarette? I feel like I should be smokin' a cigarette.
You got allergies. You wallin'.
- Did you guys wait here all night? - Hey. Move the car.
Yeah, man. It was all night, man. I need a shower
Hodeeho.
Okay. Let's take a look at this.
I'll explain it. Okay. After the bedroom scene,
which as a gentleman, I can't go into--
Thank you for being a gentleman.
So, after the bedroom scene, we go' um'
we go downstairs to this room.
It's like a rich person's room. It's not a living room or dining room--
- A parlor? - That's what she called it.
So she's got all these pictures of her and Sonny.
And this is when I start to figure it out. It's like, um--
A woman like this,
with these kind of passions, okay?
And I don't care what she says. I mean--
You cheat, you cheat on this kind of package, this kind of package...
is gonna get like a-- she's like a--
like a girl volcano.
- You know what I mean? - Get off my desk.
I'm not gonna say these lines.
Okay, those are not lines-- Okay, hold on.
These are not lines. What this is--
This is an accurate re-creation of what she said to me.
"Oh, A.J. I love you.
I want you to take me away from all this.
I've got enough to take care of both of us.
If what we just did was wrong, how come it feels so right?"
Because you're crazy. Sick, crazy.
I like you a lot, Monica, but you're going down.
Did she say this or sing it?
Monica.
The clients that want to sleep with me are usually men.
- Why did you let me go on? - Because you're crazy.
- You're sick crazy. - Look at this. Look at this.
I look like an idiot!
Yeah, I don't mean to sound critical, but...
it sounds a lot like the end of The Maltese Falcon.
Does it?
Yes, it does.
Oh, boy.
Where's A.J.?
At the urologist. Nasty business.
Is that what he told you?
Hmm. A.J. is a sweet boy.
"Boy" is the operative word here.
Nothing happened. We talked--
Well, I talked. He looked like a deer caught in my headlights.
I got a little bit drunk and told him the truth,
then I asked him to call the police for me, so I could turn myself in.
Mr. Boone, I instructed my husband to pay you...
for services rendered to both me and him.
- Has he done that? - Yeah.
Check arrived this morning. Very generous.
Good.
- You saw Sonny? - He visits me every day.
He loves me. I love him.
I never meant to kill your partner, Mr. Boone.
It was Sonny. I went to that woman's house...
to kill my husband for taking my money.
Your partner came in, and--
It was a stupid mistake.
I don't believe you.
But it's true, I never met your partner--
No, no, no. I mean it wasn't on account...
of the money that you wanted to kill your husband.
It would be so much easier if it had been on account of the money.
You mad at me?
No.
No!
You think Boone's mad at me?
I don't know, man.
He's just lost his best friend.
He's probably mad at the whole damn world about now.
- You got the gun? - The fake? Yeah. It's still rubber.
Well, that's okay, 'cause mine's not.
Wait a minute. Boone, what's that?
- Where's the little one? - Guy wants to dance, I'll dance.
Yeah, right. Violence for violence.
This always works.
Suck on this, asshole!
You killed her.
Who's that?
Mama! Mama!
- Oh, mama. - Let me ask.
A.J., A.J. Is she breathing?
- A.J., is there a pulse? - Do I count to eight or ten?
What's going on?
I think she's having a coronary or something.
Oh, no, you don't know what you're doing, do you?
Everybody relax. E.M.T.'s on the way. Everything's gonna be fine.
She's gonna be brain dead by the time those slowpokes get here.
Here! Here! Take Bart.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi, four Mississippi,
five Mississippi--
What are you doing to me? Who are you?
Mommy, you're alive! Thank God, Mom!
- You saved my mother's life! - Oh, my-- My--
- I love you! Thank you so much. - Don't squeeze Bart.
I've heard that wolfhounds can be a problem. Is this a pure bred,
or is it some kind of hybrid?
So, is the little old lady gonna be alright?
- It's exciting. - She didn't have a heart attack.
She just fainted. Guy could have broken her ribs.
I want you to do me a favor, and keep those thoughts to yourself.
Take it. Buy yourself something pretty.
Let's go, boys.
Case closed.
Well, boys. If you're watching this, it means I'm dead.
No, I'm kidding.
But seriously, I was. uh--
I was thinking about what you guys are trying to do here,
and I think there's one serious flaw to your plan.
You're trying to get at the truth, right?
But there seems to be always something in your way.
It's this.
It's the camera. This thing is always between you and me.
So, what I'm gonna do here,
I'm gonna clue you in to a couple of little facts about Joe Boone...
that you would never know if you were here.
Behind this thing.
Number one--
I wonder if I'm in focus.
Is this too close to be--